Kindness, self-acceptance, forgiveness and practice

Emotional pain over the months was accompanied with diarrhea, pain in tummy; my swollen eyes developed into sickness that forced me to leave my work.

Can my emotional pain start healing through physical pain?

Curled in my bed feeling alone I grieved.  I missed the strength to get up in the morning. For how long can I be like this? It was terrifying but I couldn’t do anything else. I felt that’s my way and it’s only me who had to experience this pain. In desperation and crying from pain I called for love and trust. I hold on the hopes that through the pain I would heal. I accepted pain as the journey to healing of my emotions and body. I didn’t allow myself to give up.

Self-guided mental imagery& yoga

When I came to yoga studio I took a place close to the mirror. Sitting on the mat and staring in my eyes I noticed every detail on my face.I dedicated my practice to love. I sought for love. I wanted love. I was sad. I was hurt. I was alone. Messages from my mind stabbed my chest. I couldn’t feel love….

Self-hypnotizing with open eyes I directed myself to any love; love of the earth, love as energy, love of the universe or love of divinity. I imagined it as a bright light around me, entering my body from every side and invited it to be within me. The warmness  filled my body and wrapped it from the outside. I felt a wave of pleasure inside of my body.

Emotional pain needs kindness

In meditative state the images of recent events appeared. Sickness, impersonal hallways of the hospital, loneliness, sleepless nights and self-harm. I wasn’t scared of the images. I knew a healing process has started. I allowed very real and painful mental images to generate painful emotions to heal, create peace, feel forgiveness, bring love.

I probably felt humiliated, unwanted, betrayed. I was scared and wanted to die. I cried and my body shaking like in seizure. I didn’t give up and hold on emotional pain.  I didn’t care for how long it takes.  I trusted in its end.

My search for…

I kept searching for love and the real one is love my children. Snuggling under the blanket with my daughter I cried again. I whispered “Let’s sleep and wake up in two months when everything will be over”. She comforted me with love and affection. “Mom, we are strong. We are growing through this pain.” Instantaneously, I knew that the sleepless nights and pain disappear in weeks. I just have to keep doing what I have started. 

Commitment to feel better

4 times weekly 75 minute hot yoga classes were hard. Nobody could tell it’s not sweat on my face but the tears. I didn’t care. I knew I couldn’t heal my psyche without the cry and strong body. After each class exhausted and shaking I stared in my eyes in the mirror. Sitting on the mat in yoga studio I imagined huge dark clouds leaving my space. Darkness of the past had to go. My psyche flourished.

I couldn’t give up. Intense yoga and daily practice: self-guided mental imagery, meditation, acceptance, personal statements, forgiveness, letting go, new beliefs and meanings. I grasped for a breath.I must kept going.  I must let go of my old life to receive the new one. .

 Forgiveness, acceptance and self-love

After weeks of self-hatred, self-blame, self-defeating  I learned that forgiveness and acceptance are the healing powers of my mind. I started feeling better and my body was less painful. Acceptance can be seen as integration with limitation. Acceptance brought me to self-acceptance and it grew into self-love. I decided to replace anger with forgiveness despite I didn’t know to who or what to forgive. I wanted to like my life and myself and only forgiveness and acceptance could bring me there. I wouldn’t heal my emotional hurts if I couldn’t forgive. I couldn’t finish grieving without finding peace in me.

Emotions have their beginnings and ends

Saying good-bye to my old life opened the door to my future. Grieving is a process and nobody knows how long it takes. I know daily practice can heal emotional pain. Emotions start and they end…